I guess even if couples go into pre-marital counseling, newlyweds can never really be THAT prepared for the many jack-in-the-box moments of marriage. So it does help for couples to put themselves in a healthy diet of relationship development books. Lately, like I’ve mentioned in my previous entry, this particular book “Saving Your Marriage before It Starts” by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, has indeed been very helpful in correcting and affirming my fledgling marriage. It’s just somehow ironic that I’m only reading it now when the marriage has “started” already. I got this book from Gracey (my prayer fellowship shepherd) as a Bridal Shower gift. Unfortunately, the whole tying-of-the-knot thing just became too knotty that I hardly had the hands to touch the book. Anyway, better late than never, hehe! And besides any marriage is a work in progress so let me share to you some of the things that I’ve been learning from this insightful book.
I know my last report on our domestic life was not a perfect picture of peace. We encountered a minor turbulence (READ PREVIOUS ENTRY HERE IF YOU WANT) and we, oh well I for the most part failed. But lesson learned and it’s another day in my life as Mrs. Palarca.
I just finished the chapter on BRIDGING THE GENDER GAP IN MARRIAGE. We all know that men and women are DIFFERENT, but we also know that these differences make way for complementation. Whether you believe in either “Opposites Attract” or “Birds of the Same Feather Flock Together”, marriage just cannot be simplified in these general truths.
My husband and I fall more under the Opposites Attract category. He’s the look-before-you-leap guy while I’m the take-the-plunge kind of girl. So while he edits me, I add the flowery details in his life. But lately, we have been rubbing off some of ourselves on each other. I guess that’s what marriage does, duh! We’re supposed to be one now, right?
Being One! Yes this is what marriage is all about but our marriage experts say that while we aim to be ONE, the needs of TWO different people have to be met first before any form of union can take place. Expert research has already outlined the 3 basic needs of husbands and wives, so let me share to you how we are faring so far.
THE NEEDS OF THE WIFE (Hubbies and Hubbies-To-Be Please READ)
1) To be CHERISHED…
My husband, even before when we were still dating, is not the grandiose gift giver. I on the other hand lavished him with don’t-even-make-me-mention-them-for-I-will-sound-like-a-sugar-mommy kind of things. I didn’t and I still don’t expect him to do the same for me BUT given the knowledge of the different Love Languages, I sort of expect him to translate the same affection in HIS WAY.
I was relieved to read that this need to be cherished is not merely my selfish requirement. As a wife, the experts say that it is my right to receive it. My husband, as MALE as he is, says that giving flowers and saying I love you “often” is cliché BUT since he is now aware that I cherish these things, he has come to love surprising me with flowers on days where there are no occasions at all and more importantly he says I LOVE YOU more often now than when we were still dating. Good.
2) To be KNOWN…
Until now men can’t seem to understand that when women want to pour their hearts out, that’s just exactly what we want to do. We don’t need any of their “problem-solving skills”. We just need them to listen to us, hug us, or if they can “cry” with us (figuratively and possibly literally too). That’s why when we were single, most if not all of us females ran to our girlfriends to purge. One of the things that I learned from pre-marital counseling is that sharing your woes to your friends or family even before your husband gets to hear it is one of the BEST WAYS TO INVITE TERMITES INTO YOUR HOME.
This is part of the whole leaving and cleaving thing. Unfortunately, especially for us close-knit Pinoys, it’s so hard to exclude our mothers and kumares from our domestic lives. But if we really want to make our marriage work, rants and raves on whatever or whoever must be shared with the spouse FIRST, so I did that.
There’s no recent example that I can think of but that PC crashing incident we just experienced. When I was in pure panic mode I just wanted my husband to FEEL how frustrated I was. Like any other male, his inability to respond like our fellow female who can mirror our emotions made the situation feel like a quicksand. Not his fault but it cannot always be an excuse. He already knows this by now so hopefully, he can morph into my BFF the next time I’m PMS-ing. Hehe. Tough call! Good luck, babe.
3) To be RESPECTED…
Aretha Franklin can spell it with her set of pipes but until now this has been the most misunderstood factor in any marriage. Like I said before, Ephesians 4:22 has been the most misinterpreted Bible verse on marriage even among some Christian couples, because more often than not husbands forget the preceding verse which says “Submit to ONE ANOTHER out of reverence for Christ” So submission is a two-way street. Submission is one of the biblical forms of RESPECT.
The book says that one of the ways to show respect to your wife is NOT TO TRY to change or manipulate her. Before we got married, especially the time when our relationship was still volatile, Joseph admittedly attempted to tweak some of my ways to fit into the mold of that proverbial “righteous girl” that his family and friends would want for him. Of course he failed, hehe. After a gazillion conflicts in our love story, he just had to realize that he loves imperfect me after all. Cue music: Billy Joel’s “Just the Way You Are”
The book also stressed that husbands should include their wives in the most little of decisions. Simple case in point: my husband’s contribution to the dog food subsidy of his family. Of course their dogs have been bearing the Palarca surname far longer than I have ever had. I love dogs too and I am for their welfare. However, again as part of the leaving and cleaving thing, my husband now must just NOT INFORM me but generally seek my advice and permission also whether we still have enough to throw some bone for the dogs. This is primarily because his priorities have been formally revamped ever since he signed THAT contract. You might think, it’s just little money for dog food, why make it the
The point here is, and I’ve seen this in many marriages, many of which have crumbled already, that our continuing obligations to our parents, siblings, and even family pets can injure our marriage IF WE ASSUME them to take a natural “comfortable” position in our domestic lives. THIS IS HARD, REALLY. I KNOW! It’s almost taboo and yet that’s the problem! The more that we treat issues like these as white elephants in the room, our marriages run a greater risk of being stepped on and crushed to death! Since Joseph and I come from two different families who almost come from two different planets, we are not exempted to these countless adjustments, inconveniences and all other things in between. That's Marriage. Bow.
(STAY TUNED FOR PART 2… “THE NEEDS OF THE HUSBAND”)
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