“I am JUST getting married” Or so you thought…

I didn’t plan to blog today but I just can’t help but comment on this. Just this morning as I was getting my daily dose of Pinoy Entertainment news from various sites on the internet (C’mon it’s everyone’s guilty pleasure!) I stumbled upon the news that Joyce Jimenez already got married in California last August 23. I don’t really care about her getting hitched at all although I wish her the best you know. That is not what exactly caught my attention. I was just struck with what she said during the interview…

“So, what are your plans after the wedding?” Ricky (Lo) asked

Joyce answered, “After two weeks, I’m going to fly back to the Philippines.”

“Where do you plan to settle down?”

“We’re going to settle down in California, but I still have a lot of things I want to take care of,” Joyce answered.

Now that she’s married, would Joyce leave behind her showbiz career in the Philippines?

“Of course not. I am just getting married. It’s not going to change anything to me other than my legal status. The Philippines is my home and that’s really where my heart is,” said Joyce.

So what gives? It sounded like a standard answer. It seemed like a harmless quip. Okay, let me tell you what I found ABSOLUTELY WRONG in what she said.

First of all, let me debunk an age old myth that Joyce herself, and I’m sure many other people believe in – MARRIAGE IS NOT JUST A LEGAL ARRANGEMENT! No wonder more and more marriages (and that includes Filipinos) are failing because what is supposed to be a COVENANT has been reduced to being just a CONTRACT!

“It’s not going to change anything to me other than my legal status.”

Contrary to popular belief, marriage is SUPPOSED to change you. Yes, it’s an obvious fact that legally it changes our status and that implies a lot of paperwork intricacies. For us women, being married has a lot of legal markers – we change or hyphenate our last names, from Ms we become a Mrs, and of course we now wear 2 rings (considering that we got an engagement ring). For men though, it’s much simpler. They don’t change their names. They will always be Mr, married or not. The only giveaway would be the ring.

Let me repeat – MARRIAGE IS SUPPOSED TO CHANGE YOU… legally, emotionally and more importantly spiritually. Marriage is supposed to change your perspective on life because you’re not walking through it alone anymore… you’re already bound to another human being. That’s a big difference! Just consider this. I assumed that most of us have played the game “3-Legged Race”. You know how it is. The right leg and the left leg of two different people will be tied together. The result would be two people walking on 3 legs. Do I have to explain it? You get the picture. When you’re alone it is generally much easier to walk or run with your own two legs. But when you’re tied to someone else’s leg, it becomes another story. However, with some strategy, patience, and unselfishness, two people tied together can walk like one unit. When you’re walking with someone in this condition, you have to consider the pace of your partner. You even have to consider whether your legs are of the same length or not. Then adjustments have to be made for success or at least some progress.

I immediately found some red flags in Joyce’s quips. I know she’s madly in love. I know she’s happy. That’s great but if she really wants this to work she better review what she just said. This is not about Joyce by the way. I’m just using her as an example. There are a lot of married people out there, both men and women alike, who carry the same viewpoint.

Perspectives and most especially priorities are supposed to take a significant if not a 180-degree turn when we tie the knot. And when we say perspectives and priorities – that’s basically what our whole life is all about. So if you’re saying that you’re not going to let any change happen to you when you get married then… WHAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF GETTING HITCHED? What’s the difference of being single from having a spouse? Having a husband/wife is DIFFERENT from merely getting a new room mate.

Unfortunately, a lot of people still can’t accept that we HAVE TO CHANGE when we get married. That’s exactly WHY WE HAD THE WHOLE DARN GRAND CEREMONY, duh! That ceremony was to let your guests, your beloved families and friends know of the following mandates:

1) Mom & Dad, sorry but from now on your opinions, suggestions and demands will be heard but not rule over us.

2) Siblings, sorry but from now on you cannot expect Kuya to be fetching you on your late night dates any time you want him no matter how spoiled you were before.

3) Best friend, sorry but my husband is now my new best friend.

4) Barkadas, sorry but I cannot just tag along to Tagaytay on a whim.

5) Boss, sorry but my wife is pregnant and an OT would not sit well with a woman who has some chemical imbalance.

I may have presented them in a funnier light but it’s seriously true. More importantly it is biblical because the Scripture is clear about leaving and cleaving in Genesis 2:24-25. Before you misunderstand, “Leaving” doesn't mean dumping your parents, siblings, peers and work. You can still nurture relationships with them and of course you should deliver your job well. What Leaving means is that your spouse now becomes your primary focus, commitment, and concern. It means that your primary dependence and loyalty are no longer to your family but to your spouse. Although your family is still an important part of your life, your spouse now becomes your chief source of support, encouragement, and approval—emotionally, physically, relationally, financially, and spiritually.

To cleave means to cling, stick fast, and be faithful. Marriage means that we've made a lifetime commitment. Cleave means when we have an argument or when problems arise, we don't run back to Mommy or Daddy, or to our Kumares or Kumpares for some spouse-bashing. We may talk with them and ask them to pray for us, but we stick with our spouse, talk things out, seek wise counsel from the right people and most importantly pray together.

Leaving and cleaving is always the primary message during a wedding ceremony. So having them (your guests) there should entail that they should also understand the CHANGES that you are about to have in your life. Because I repeat THERE ARE CHANGES… SHOULD BE AND WOULD BE…

When Joyce said that she’s going back to the Philippines two weeks after her wedding because “she still wants to take care of other things”… I didn’t understand that. Aren’t you supposed to take care of things before you make the big plunge? She also said something about settling down in California but the Philippines will always be her home and this is where her heart will always be. Plus there was an implication that she will not stop from doing movies. Okay, okay… I know she meant well but I just can’t figure out where the husband is in this new arrangement. It seems like Joyce is still walking her new married life with her own two legs. Where’s the leg of the other partner?

Most of the time, it really is unthinkable to consider dropping our careers for a new married life. It’s unimaginable to change our favored lifestyles and comfortable routines to accommodate another person in our world. To quote Joyce, “I am JUST getting married.” Tsk tsk tsk… to even attach the word “just” to “getting married” is a definite disregard of the major implications of the vows that we recited before God.