Raising the White Flag as I Wear my White Wedding Gown

“Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also his wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24

Every Christian couple who enters pre-marital counseling will inevitably come face to face with this verse on the first day of counseling, if not on the wedding day itself. And wives admit it. Even if you really understood and have come to embrace what the verse meant, didn’t you still feel even the slightest lump sliding down your throat at that time? There was still a tad bit, right? But hey, we still said “I do” so enough said.

I had different reactions to this verse on each of the two significant times that I encountered it. The first time I came across these words was during a wedding of a friend around 4 years ago. I was not a Christian yet. I was livin’ a vida loca! I was dating heavily. I was at the peak of my career. I was earning well. I was at that moment of my life when I thought I knew what I wanted and I felt that I could command my life to go where I want it to be. And so unsurprisingly, the word “submission” felt like needles in my ear when the Pastor was talking about it.

I was sitting at the back row with two of my fellow single female friends and as if on a cue, we all shuddered and raised our eyebrows at the drop of the word. We just couldn’t resist whispering (and hissing) our side comments during the ceremony. Yes, we were that disturbed by the idea. We thought that it was too OBSOLETE. How could “submission” even be practical in this day and age when more women are now beginning to earn twice or thrice over men? How could “submission” even be fair when we are supposed to be living in a world that has already been acquainted with women’s rights and gender equality? In gist, all we could really rant was “Duh it’s the 21st Century! Where have these backward Christians been all this time?”

But of course, how could someone who doesn’t read the bible understand anything that came from its pages? It took me a long time to get to where I am right now in my Christian life. Let me repeat that --- a looooong time.

So anyway, the 2nd significant time I encountered the same verse was the time when I finally confirmed with myself that I am ready to get married, not just to anybody, but to Mr. Joseph Palarca, a Christian man, raised by a Christian family and trained in a Bible-centered Church. The specification here about my husband has a purpose. Being ready to get married versus being ready to get married to a certain someone are two different things. The former may just be a state of readiness in terms of financial, mental, and emotional measurements as it usually is in a secular lifestyle (i.e. I already have a good steady job; I have a house and car; I’m already in my late 20s; I feel ready to settle down, etc, etc) … while the latter is a state of readiness to SUBMIT to the future spouse. I knew I was ready to get married because for the first time I am with a man who I really respect and love, to which I am very willing to submit to.

I already felt that I was ready to marry the moment I acquired my own condominium, and kept a regular fabulous job. I have the money. I have the nest. I only need a MAN to complete this whole set-up. But despite several attempts to find a partner who is willing to share some domestic bliss with me, the idea of marriage slowly turned into a myth from being a dream. I told myself maybe marriage is not for me and altogether just gave up on the idea.

Looking back, I realize now why I frowned at the idea of “submission” the first time I heard it at a wedding. It was simply because I have not dated anyone at that time who was worth submitting to. Reviewing the profiles of all the men I’ve dated before, ALL of them were non-Christians. And no matter how many pogi points they got for their talents and/or good looks, everything was just offset by their lack of spirituality. There was simply nothing in them that commanded me to yield. I always felt and saw myself better than them… until I met Joseph.

When we got engaged, Joseph didn’t have a higher-paying job than me. He didn’t even have enough savings in the bank. I even asked him not to buy me an engagement ring anymore because I knew how much that could make a dent in his wallet. He’s not the risk-taker type. He was silent, reserved, and conservative. In more ways than one, a lot of people in our church circle, and most especially his family, took notice that I tend to be the more dominant one. So the million-dollar question is… CAN I SUBMIT?

If I had not received Christ as my Lord and Savior, this would have been impossible. But now that I am holding hands with God, the Biblical portrait of marriage makes perfect sense. Some might say that this is easy for me because I am a Christian. Some women may feel some resentment when shoved with Ephesians 5:22 and I don’t blame them at all. It does sound vindictive in a way, and somehow prejudiced. But you know what, like everything else, there’s more to it than meets the eye.

Let me tell you why this has become so much easier for me to comprehend and accept. It’s all because I read the Ephesians 5:21 – the last line from the previous chapter, which they (the church or whoever’s teaching about marriage) do not usually include in the scope of study. It says “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”. And most importantly, compared to four years ago, I read and studied the whole passage ‘til Ephesians 5:33 where it ends with “… each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

So contrary to popular secular belief, “submitting” doesn’t mean that we wives must kiss our brains goodbye and be our husband’s slaves for all eternity. As Christian women, we understand that in our submission, our husbands are commanded to love us the way they’re supposed to love God. So imagine that ladies, that’s how important we really are to our husbands. Simply said, we are not merely reduced to just being followers… but we are to follow a leader who is led by God. So with a God-led leader leading us, do we have any other reason not to submit? And you might ask… what if my husband’s not a Christian and he’s just not respectable AT ALL? Well… this is why we should teach our daughters to seek husbands who are in relationship with Christ.

To those who are already married to Non-Christian men, let this passage from 1 Peter 3:1-2 bring you some comfort: “Likewise you wives, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives, when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.” I’m sure you have all heard the adage, “Behind every great man is an even greater woman.” Persevere with prayer and by God’s grace, your husband will be worth all the submission.

I have been a staunch believer of women’s lib. I always like to fight for women’s rights. I cheer for women winning in the workplace. But the real victory for me now is to be able to put my ego aside and successfully play my role as the godly wife who loves and respect my husband. Besides, marriage is not about power struggle. Leave the competition in the office. You don’t get a raise in marriage.

My husband is not perfect, but I know God made him perfect for me, which just makes it easier for me to submit. When I married him, I said in my vows that I will even watch WWE wrestling with him (even if I really hate it) because now that we’re one, loving him also means loving everything “unlovable” about him. Ladies, especially to those who have not yet fully understood what Apostle Paul meant in his letter to the Ephesians, “SUBMISSION” is just another facet of our LOVE for our husbands. You would not have married the dude if there weren’t even an ounce of love, right? There must be some LOVE there to get the gears of submission all oiled up.

Wearing a white gown in a wedding doesn’t only symbolize the Bride’s purity… For me most especially, wearing a white gown was like raising my white flag. The day I married was the day I SURRENDERED myself to LOVE.

p.s. Despite the financial crunch, Joseph still surprised me with a beautiful diamond engagement ring. :-)