Turning Thirty Today: A Quick Look into my 20-Something Life

When I turned 20 I thought “Wow this is going to be the beginning of my life!” I told myself this is it! I was geared up to live my life to FULLEST but I never thought that I would also be living it to the FOOLEST! I graduated that school year from UP Diliman. Soon after I was chosen by the government to represent Region 11 to be on this cultural and diplomatic exchange program called Ship for South East Asian Youth Program (SSEAYP) which took me to Japan, Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, and Vietnam. Seeing that part of the world, together with 300+ 20-somethings from all over Asia, through wide eyes and a very naïve heart set the tone for what would be a long era of heartbreaks, hedonisms and hooplas.

I came home from the program wearing a totally different skin. Realizing that I was such a small fish in the ocean, I told myself that I gotta learn how to swim with the sharks. I braved Makati to hunt for my first job. I didn’t have a career plan but I knew deep down that I was gonna get a good catch. I had a couple of odd very short-lived stints that I don’t even want to include in my professional resume until I landed the Channel [V] gig. I remembered what my boss Peachy told me that day she hired me “You know, there are other applicants that are better and have more experience than you BUT I like you because you’ve got some personality!” Hahaha… So you see my whole career was never even rooted on any of my college credentials. I guess I was just lucky that day!

I was thrown into the mad waters of Media and learned how to swim right then and there. MTV opened its doors for me and who wouldn’t want to step inside? So what can you expect? It was a world filled with parties and people from high society. There were lots of frills and freebies. Who wouldn’t say “Aylavet!”

But then I realized that even though this kind of life doesn’t charge you in cash, it still comes with a hefty price tag. I had catastrophic quasi-relationships with guys who turned out to have even bigger issues than mine, and bigger egos to compensate with. I’ve dated different men in the following categories. There was the Older Guy… the Peter Pan… the Kevin Federline… the Childhood Sweetheart… the Office Buddy… the Rockstar… the Casanova… the LDR (Long Distance Relationship)… and the Blast from the Past… were the ones who made it to the Honor Roll List of Memorable Mishaps!

It was like a wild goose chase for Mr. Right but they all turned out to be nothing more than Mr. Right Now. At that point, everything just felt empty. Constantly in between boyfriends. Living paycheck to paycheck. Can’t get any thumbs up from the boss. Can’t get pats on the back from my Mom. I was full of IT (whatever it was) but very hungry for something I don’t know.

There came a time around three years ago that I had it up to the ceiling. No amount of psychiatric therapy helped. I wanted my shrink to tell me I was clinically crazy so that I could just volunteer myself into a mental institution. Unfortunately, she told me that it’s just depression. Well, can’t I get a pill for it? I asked. She did give me some but I remembered it just made me sleepy all the time. I couldn’t concentrate. There were a lot of times when I just wanted to scream right in the middle of the office. I was broken, scarred, and lost.

When things got messy I had this really bad habit of running away. I thought that if I changed my location, I’d be luckier and life would be lovelier. I was desperate to find my rightful happy place under the sun. So I decided to go to New York again.

I enrolled myself in a small school there called NYFA. And while I was collecting my school records in UP, I got the funniest surprise. The office handed me a box containing a medal and my diploma saying that I graduated as Cum Laude in 1999. Huuuwwaaaat? Thanks to the very efficient UP system and courtesy of my “katamaran”, they neglected to inform me about my honor and technically they felt no obligation to follow me up because I lacked a couple of signatures on my clearance slip. To explain that, just a month before my exit from UP, I was already engrossed in my SSEAYP preparations. I wanted to travel so I ditched attending my graduation rites. In doing so, I intentionally did not finish accomplishing my clearance slip. So there…

I really laughed out loud. I was Cum Laude. Man! That information would have been helpful when I was out knocking on the doors of the big multinational companies begging for a job! If I knew back then that I graduated with Honors, I would have pursued Law School, or an MA in International Relations. Something serious and sounded important. Naks. I would not have been in “showbiz” hehe. But there was no turning back. That moment made me realize that I should really shape up. Imagine what little mistakes can lead to. I wanted to set my path right but I don’t know how and where to begin…

I came home from NY, upgraded with the tools of the trade, but unchanged in spirit. At that time, I was already corresponding closely with Joseph (by the way he was Mr. Blast from the Past and our love story is a different blog altogether). Anyway, I started to attend his church and it was excruciating. It was like that “being nude in public” dream coming to life. I told myself “this is not going to work”. I’m just too much of a sinner.

But in August 2006, I finally listened to the full gospel and that day marked the beginning of my walk with Christ. From that day on I slowly but surely found the answers to my questions… I learned that life is not about ME… I accepted that everything was NOT an accident… No one’s to blame… My life is a Gift and the ONLY way to live it is through Jesus Christ!

He has already written my story. Looking back, though I had a lot of tragedies and trivialities, I have learned that God intentionally wrote my story that way because I needed to use it as a testimony of His Great Love. Grabe, if I recount all the craziness that I have ever done in my life, I can definitely say I AM NOT WORTHY of any blessing that He has showered me. I should have died long ago. And yet, despite the many detours I have taken, God has been patient with me. He waited for his prodigal daughter to come home. He couldn’t even wait for me to get inside the door. He’s been waiting outside, ready to wrap His loving arms around me.

My twenties are over. I always thought that it was okay to make mistakes when you’re twenty because it’s excusable. Haha. I was lucky that God did not want this sheep to totally fall of the cliff. God was really there with me even if I didn’t acknowledge his presence. A friend used to tell me “Jill, the problem with you is that you want to play your life on a script. That’s why you get upset when things and characters around you suddenly make adlibs” I thought at that time, “Okay great so Life is One Long Adlib?”

I learned that life has a script and this whole movie of our life is written, directed and produced by God. So as I turn 30, I intend to portray the perfect role for me. Lord, I’m now ready for my close-up!