Being the Other Mother

Is the badge of motherhood only earned through birth? I tell people that I have a son even though he’s not my own. Technically, I am only his aunt, his mother’s older sister to be exact, but I have already officially declared him to be my first-born… borne not out of my womb but from my heart.

Kean came to me when he was only 3 years old. At that time, my sister Cindy (Kean’s birth mother) had been obligated by US Immigration Law to join our mother in New York. It was an abrupt trip… a sudden detour in our lives which almost made the whole family fall off the cliff. Such is the scenario for most of the petitioned families here in the Philippines.

At that time, my sister then just a 20 year old, was already separated from the father of her child, and was already dating somebody else. My whole family was in Davao while I already made my permanent residence here in Manila. When the summon letter came, there was nothing else to do but to drop everything she was doing in Davao and proceed with the immigration process. She didn’t want to go but she had to before she turns 21 in a couple of months. Non-compliance would make her case null and void. She decided to go for her son’s future.

Leaving the Philippines for greener pastures and green bills would have been easier for my sister if she didn’t have Kean. Unfortunately, the Law says that our mother could not file for Kean’s petition because immigrants can only file for their children. Therefore, the responsibility of filing for Kean’s immigrant application should be done by Cindy. So that meant another good 5 years of waiting (if we’re lucky!)

The first question on the table was: when Cindy leaves, who’d look after the child? Surely, she wouldn’t want to send him back to his father 'coz she hates his guts. Our dad’s not financially capable either. And our other sister Marla just had a different agenda for her life. There was really no one else left in the picture but… ME!

To become an instant mom was far from my wildest dreams at that time. How could I possibly take care of a fragile toddler when I was at the worst downward spiral moment of my life? But Kean needed more than just a caregiver… he needed ANOTHER MOTHER. Cindy left for New York with tears in her eyes and a shattered heart, while I promised to take care of her baby… Sounds like a scene from a movie, huh? Well art imitates life imitates art…

I’ve been a mother for about 4 years now and you know what, Kean saved me more than I saved him from being motherless. It only feels like yesterday when I was still training him off nappies… weaning him off the bottle… teaching him how to read… losing sleep on the eve of my birthday because of his asthma… rushing him to the ER at 5AM because of a neck injury… his first day in school… the first time he called me “mommy”…

My memories of Kean growing up are all wonderful and countless. And when people take notice at how precocious, smart, funny and loving he has become, I can’t help but be proud that I had the privilege of being with him during his formative years. And then suddenly, my bubble had to burst.

Lately, Cindy and I have been fighting more regularly than usual. Mostly it’s all about Kean… Of course having been with Kean for a considerable time already; being there when he was diagnosed with asthma; when he learned how to read, to draw, to converse fluently in English, and all of these landmarks in his life, I can’t help but be naturally inclined to be affected by my sister’s “misguided” decisions when it comes to her son. I can’t help but feel that I have a right to “co-decide” what’s good and bad for him... And then my sister tells me that Kean is not my child… that she’s the mother and I’m not. Surely, nothing was more hurtful than that.

When I took Kean under my wing, I never expected to be more than just an aunt. I became a mom overnight and life turned 180. And now I feel that there’s no turning back. She’s right. I am not Kean’s mother. I don’t have any right at all. And one of these days, he will leave our home -- his Tito Joseph and me -- and leave behind nothing but memories. There’s nothing I can do but to move on and live each day with him in my thoughts.

I realized that my sister was only picking fights with me because she was jealous of the lost time and opportunity between her and Kean. I don't blame her for that. And then I also realized that the reason why I was poking my nose more than what’s required of me is because of my own envy too. My desire for motherhood is even larger and deeper than I thought.

In reality, we were both mothers competing over Kean’s love. The sad thing is Kean would see and hear us fighting. Shame swallowed me when he said to me one time, “Mom, Mommy Cindy is your sister. You two should love each other.” It’s amazing how a 7 year old can have so much more wisdom than adults.

At the end of it all, I know I just have to live with the fact that I am JUST the OTHER MOTHER. Looking at how Kean has grown up and listening to him talk with innocence and maturity in his words, my heart swells in praising God. Truly, we are both miracles! Even if he’s not mine, and soon will leave my side, I am not worried because I know that I have already planted enough good seeds of love in his heart. I thank my sister and most of all God for the privilege and the blessing of being Kean’s Other Mother.