Beautiful in His Eyes...

I’m one of those “lucky” or better yet BLESSED girls who ended up marrying their First Love. But of course, it wasn’t all bed of roses for Joseph and me. It was one long, grueling, close-to-impossible journey for the two of us to end up together.

I first met him in the 2nd semester (around Nov 1996) of my sophomore year at UP Diliman. He was a Psychology Freshman while I was a Creative Writing Major. So how did we end up as classmates? We met in PE class – Social Dancing!

He was such a snob. There he was in our Social Dancing class and he wasn’t exactly being “sociable.” I couldn’t see beyond his eyeglasses. He wasn’t very cheerful. He didn’t talk much. He would come to class so quietly that I would only detect his presence when I would finally get a whiff of his morning cologne, as he would slip languidly beside me on the waiting benches outside the Human Kinetics building. He wasn’t very friendly but I always found him casually sitting with our group more than he did with the others.

His silence intrigued me. Although at most times I knew that the reason for his somber mood was the fact that we had to learn Ballroom Dancing at freakin’ seven in the morning. He didn’t plan on to be there in the first place. If you didn’t come from UP (University of the Philippines) then you wouldn’t know that getting a decent PE class in this university was as tough as its entrance exams. The good ones always had limited slots so people, like Joseph, who were quite unlucky had to swallow all shame just so they could complete the PE units requirement in the standard curriculum.

But despite that morning mood, over all he just really left a mysterious impression on me – which totally had me hooked. He had me at “Hello!” I already had a crush on him the moment I spotted him in our class. At that time, I wasn’t quite vivacious yet so I left it all to my best friend Lheng to do all the getting-to-know-you stuff. I was quite still shy at that time. Hehehe.

Of course since it was a Ballroom Dancing class, naturally we had to dance in pairs. Joseph wasn’t my first partner. Supposedly, the rule was we had to switch partners every time we had a new dance to learn. When we finally had to do the Swing as the 2nd dance, I don’t remember how it exactly happened but through my best friend and my blockmates’ connivance, I finally ended up holding Joseph’s hand. And without our teacher noticing it, Joseph and I danced together all through out the semester without ever switching partners.

We didn’t really talk about it. There was no formal courtship. The dance just connected us. Every step led us deeper into that silent understanding. Our gazes spoke more than our words. Soon, we found ourselves “rehearsing” our dances even after PE class and on Saturdays, even though we didn’t need to. Soon, we found ourselves in SM North – watching Jerry Maguire, eating at KFC, and just strolling around – dating off on our meager student allowances. Soon we found ourselves burning the telephone lines. Soon we found ourselves being teased to give each other a peck on the cheek while playing Spin the Bottle at one of our PE class parties. And just like how Mrs. Potts in Beauty and the Beast put it “There may be something there that wasn’t there before”

Something was indeed already stewing. However, our momentum was cut off prematurely by the summer break. I had to go home to Davao, while he had to go to Bohol. Maybe I was just naïve, considering that he was really my first love, but I was really hopeful and positive that after summer, we would finally “formalize” this MU by June of 1997 and I would finally have my FIRST boyfriend.

This was even reinforced by the fact that Joseph sent me MAIL (Yes Airmail – old fashioned handwritten letters sent with a stamp) from Bohol. This was the time when E-mail and cellphones were still figments of our imagination. I could not forget the song that was playing in my room when I received and open his first letter. It was “I’m Missing You” by Meja. (Yes kids, Meja sang the original in the ‘90s okay and not friggin’ copycat duo MYMP!)

Anyway, he wrote about being in their newly constructed house in Bohol which was just a few meters away from the beach. He vividly wrote about paint sticking on his hands after coating the walls that afternoon… the slow life in Bohol… his quiet beach afternoons with his dad… their fishermen neighbors… and how he misses me and my smile, my hair, my eyes and how he feels about me by saying “I feel so much that I don’t know…” Naks! I was an innocent never-been-kissed no-boyfriend-since-birth eighteen year old at that time. Naturally I melted! Who wouldn’t? It was like straight out of my favorite Sweet Dreams pocketbooks!

Being a sucker for romance, I finally declared that I was IN LOVE! I could not wait for school to start. I was itching to go back to Manila. But just when I thought that my fairy tale was about to unfold, my version of Nightmare on Elm Street happened instead. The moment I got back to Manila, I naturally rang him as soon as I got my hands on the PLDT phone. To my dismay, he wasn’t around. I tried calling him again but still no luck. I tried and tried and tried… it was either he wasn’t home or he couldn’t come to the phone. And just like Mrs. Potts put it, I knew that “There may be something there that wasn’t there before” – and my instincts told me that I have been erased from the pretty picture.

It wasn’t long before I SAW that something was actually someone. There he was walking hand in hand with another girl down the UP sunken garden. It just felt like the end of the world. I literally walked home sobbing like a lost kid from the UP campus to my boarding house in UP Village. It was quite a looong walk but my tears numbed my legs.

Naturally my friends found out and of course they all wanted to kill him. Muree, my best friend since High School who was also my college room mate rained curses upon him over the phone. Lheng who witnessed the actual blossoming of this now deceased MU had always wanted to trip him in the corridor but settled on just gawking at him like a hungry lioness. And my blockmates did all sorts of things to annoy him and make his AS Building life a living hell. (Fast forward to our wedding – these people actually became part of my wedding entourage, hahaha!)

I was so depressed that time that as some of you may already know I took a leave of absence and didn’t enroll in the 2nd semester of my third year. I couldn’t bear to see him all mushy with that girl anymore. I felt so insecure. And that’s when I started really getting seriously feeling ugly with my height. And that began my long chapter of being in the dark about my self worth.

Fast forward to the last quarter of 2004, I was already working at GMA7. At this point, my dating history would already read like one crazy chick lit. I’ve been around the block and back several times. I was just practically running my twenty-something life in dazed and ditzy circles. One day, bored in the office, Roy (who eventually became the emcee to our wedding reception) and I were playing around with Friendster. We had nothing better to do that afternoon than to hunt for long lost friends, crushes and “ex-boyfriends” on the internet. Different names came popping up and without really thinking I just suddenly blurted out “Joseph John Palarca.” Roy click-clacked the name on the Friendster search engine and lo and behold – the jerk is alive!

Okay here’s the thing. All these years I never really forgot about Joseph. I mean he wasn’t constantly on my mind but whenever I would encounter quiet serious-looking bespectacled guys who can write and speak well, and every time I would catch Meja’s song on WRock, fleeting and blurry images of him and us together would just float in softly and fade away before I could really vividly remember. He was just there although tucked in the farthest corner of my memory.

So I found out that the dude who first broke my heart is still alive and his profile said he was in Cebu, and then I remembered him mentioning before that his family had plans to permanently move to Bohol and he might finish his studies in Cebu. I wondered about the girlfriend. The profile didn’t say he was in a relationship. It actually said he was SINGLE, but there were allusions to a “new girl” in his friends’ testimonies.

At that time I was sort of seeing someone, and besides he was in Cebu and our story was as ancient as the mummies in Egypt. I wasn’t even thinking about any possibility of rekindling the flame. I have become a TOTALLY different person by then and I could not even remember how my 18 year old self felt that time. However, that didn’t stop me from being curious. And maybe secretly I wanted to know if I could finally get my vindication. Hahaha. Just the thought that he and that girl didn’t end up together already felt like a little trophy. So I sent him a message through Friendster to feed my curiosity, and it actually took a month before I got a reply from him. I have even forgotten that I wrote him a message.

His reply was formal, respectful and civil but if I could beam some UV light over it, I’m pretty sure there was a lot of anxiety sneaking between his careful words. I had completely gotten over him and besides I was “with somebody” at that time so I didn’t care about him at all. If anything, maybe I just wanted to play a little revenge on him. Hahaha. Just for fun y’know. Soon after that, we began communicating through text and we casually proposed having coffee sometime soon… but of course in my mind it probably wouldn’t happen. He was after all still in Cebu and I was affixed on this other guy.

Finally he came back here in Manila to take his Veterinary Board Exams in the first quarter of 2005 but coffee didn’t happen right away. The text messaging continued. All this time, I was getting myself ready for another trip to New York – to find myself (that’s another blog story altogether). Finally just a few weeks away from my BIG trip, we had our first coffee “date” at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf at Tomas Morato. It was May 19, 2005.

And unexpectedly, as Mrs. Potts put it, “There may be something there that wasn’t there before” … or in our case “There may be something there that wasn’t there before that got lost and now it’s there again!” Hahaha!

That night, all the jadedness that have coated me for the past 8 years ever since he broke my heart thawed out creating a little "romantic" mess that neither of us ever expected. It was my 18 year old self sipping that Chai Latte with him. It was my 18 year old self feeling a little giddy whenever he would shot me a thoughtful glance through those metal peepers. It was my 18 year old self smiling at chuckling and laughing with him. None of my angsty and cynical twenty-something several selves was there. It just felt like one of those light moments we had back in college.

And before we know it, SOMETHING was stewing AGAIN! This time however, it wasn’t like one of those Sweet Dreams romances anymore. It was more complicated than we expected. We struggled with my dating past, his church, his family and friends, my lifestyle… we felt right together but everything was also wrong. It was crazy. It was chaotic. Talk about having a Romeo and Juliet moment. I finally had that moment when I told God I’m going to finally give up on love permanently!

We had to break up AGAIN against our will for reasons that are too lengthy to write here. As Barry Manilow put it “We had the right love at the wrong time”… for the 2nd time around! Talk about getting a double whammy from one guy. He trudged back to Bohol to fix himself (his heart, mind and spirit) and I surrendered myself to Jesus. I didn’t know anywhere else to go. I could not believe how I was able to let the same guy hurt me again and even worse this time. I was running out of logical answers in this world. I hit rock bottom and nobody else had a hand long and strong enough to pull me out of the deep tunnel except Him – Jesus.

In Christ’s loving care, all my physical insecurities were healed. Even if men have treated me like dirt and made me feel ugly by leaving me, Jesus made me feel BEAUTIFUL! Falling in love with Him was inevitable. And just like His countless promises in the Bible, my obedience bore a sweet fruit – Joseph came back from Bohol and proposed to me! And now we’re married, going on our 8th month.

Joseph and I have been through A LOT! And ‘til now, we still don’t run out of drama, conflict and romance, and everything that would make a compelling novel! But we love it. We are madly (and sanely) in love with each other… and most importantly in love with Christ – the giver of this wonderful LOVE.

Joseph has always been a very sweet and romantic guy. Remember his love letters I told you about? (Papemelroti pa ang gamit na papel that time, hahaha) I found out that all through out the 2nd wind of our relationship (the one that sparked after coffee) he wrote about me in journals. When he left for Bohol after we broke up, he left these journals with me to prove that he wasn’t playing around at that time; that he didn’t intend any of those “complications” to happen; that he really fell in love with me. He had pages and pages of well-written diaries as proof. The way he surprises me with flowers… the engagement ring… the way he took care of me when I was bedridden sick… the way he understands and accepts my dysfunctional family… the way he can diffuse my temper and turn me into a purring kitty cat… the way he cheers me on to keep a straight line in my walk with God especially when my prayers don’t get answered the way I wanted them to be… the way he loves me just the way I am – my shortcoming and quirks altogether… the way he makes me feel BEAUTIFUL in his eyes…

Last night, during the 2nd Open Mic Night in Christ event that both of us spearheaded in our church's Young Adult Ministry, he and his two childhood best friends (who became his Best Men during our wedding) went onstage to for a surprise number. I was busy in the control booth, manning the Powerpoint slides and the video backgrounds/presentations so I was totally taken aback. I felt like a giddy tweenager seeing her crush when he finally said that he has a song for the only woman in her life – his wife. The song was "Beautiful in my Eyes".

Unfortunately, I'm haivng some trouble posting the video here on blogspot so if you want to check out my sweetie's little serenade, click HERE for my multiply account.

If you noticed the camera was shaky. I was the one taking the video and I was sobbing in glee. I wasn't able to shoot his opening spiels because like I said I didn't expect this song number. Cheesy? Mushy? Sappy? Corny? I don’t care! Hahaha!

The past weeks have been challenging for us because of my fertility challenges. I know this is his way of assuring me that whatever happens he will be with me 'til death, loving me just the way I am... and I will be forever beautiful in his eyes... despite everything and anything that will come our way. Knowing that I am sharing my life right now with this wonderful man and spending the rest of it with him is indeed a beautiful gift from God.

"There are four things that are too mysterious for me to understand: an eagle flying in the sky, a snake moving on a rock, a ship finding its way over the seas, and a man and woman falling in love." -- PROVERBS 30:18-19