Two-Piece Chicken, Anyone?

I’m hating my hormones now. On this rainy last day of April, I realized after seeing my recent out of town photos and after squeezing myself in a pair of pants that fit perfectly well just a couple of months ago that I am now FAT. This is despite the fact that I haven’t been eating much. Well blame it on stress… lack of sleep… and okay I admit it, I have been so lazy. Blogging is making me fat. Ugh. Writing is making me fat. I miss having a regular job in a real office because the commute keeps the inches away at least. But here’s the thing… because my hormones are at their usual “weirdness” again, my metabolism is just almost non-existent. My imbalanced hormones are either making me lethargic or anxious. So my husband has to deal with either a very sleepy wife or a high-strung spouse. Neither spells marital bliss. Hahaha. Anyway, so today I told myself on the mirror, “Geez you are officially back to when people actually called you fat! What are you gonna do about it?”

To be honest, I want to keep fit but somehow I just can’t commit to an exercise routine, especially when I have to do it alone. I wanted to do Latin dance lessons but hubby doesn’t want to be my dance partner. So maybe I’ll just enroll in some aero-dance class or something like that. I want to play badminton too but Kean’s still not around. Yes, isn’t that pathetic? I actually play with a 6 year old. By the way, he’s getting better at the game than I am. Maybe I can buy a hula hoop and use it while watching E! and the Daily 10. And a pair of dumbbells would probably help too. Okay gotta put that on the next shopping list.

And then, there’s the issue of food. I confess. I love to eat. And the idea of diets alone already makes me sad. For some reason, the healthy choices aren’t just as tasty as the calorie-laden ones. Haha. And to make it worse, the so-called healthier choices are always more expensive. Dang it! They just put L-Carnitine on the label and the price of my usual juice drink doubled up just like that. Anything organic is pricey. Even Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, that organic food advocate who hosts the reality show “The River Cottage Treatment” admits that. If I could only grow my own vegetables on the dust that collects on my window, then getting my organic fill should not be too challenging for a city-dweller like me.

So what should I do? I fear that I’m only a few pounds away before my hubby starts to request the lights off. Well, I know Joseph loves me more than that but of course I can’t help getting paranoid, especially since I recently found out that an office mate actually has a crush on him. She was even there during the wedding! The nerve…. Anyway, I know my husband adores me fat or phat. Right, babe? :-)

I know one good reason why I’ve been gaining weight incredibly faster than usual. It’s because I haven’t been taking my hormone pills some months now. That’s the thing. I’m sick of pills. I’m sick of being on medication just to keep my hormones aligned. My friend has suggested trying medical acupuncture. I’ve already read some literature on it and the testimonials are really encouraging. She said her doctor only charges 12 Pesos per needle with the standard 500 Pesos as consultation fee. I’ve read about fertility-challenged women getting pregnant after several treatments… And it has been known to cure a lot of ailments. I'm not a very healthy person to begin with. I was born with a lot of deficiencies. I feel a lot of pain physically, especially now that I am officially in my 30s and gosh don't even mention emotionally (that's another blog altogether, hahaha) The only part I know that's healed is my soul. Thank you Lord! :-) Anyway, back to acupuncture... I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try right? Well it would hurt my pocket but at least it’s not like the daily 2 thousand hormone therapy injection that I use to have.

Anyway, I just don’t feel fabulous lately. On this rainy, depressing and body image-conscious day, this is the only picture that actually made me smile. I was thinking about ordering some 2-piece KFC chicken for tonight’s dinner since I won’t have any more time to cook for my husband ‘coz I’m still stuck here at an event when I stumbled on this as I was browsing the net: A chicken in a two-piece swimsuit. Hahaha!

Davao Diary: Diagnosed with De Quervain's Tenosynovitis

Before I got here in Davao, I had been feeling some pain on left wrist. If you remember, I talked about a right wrist condition I had several months ago. Now that’s gone. That was some lump actually which came and went for some time until it completely disappeared when I had my new laptop. So I guessed it might have been my use (or perhaps wrong use) of the standard desktop mouse.

But now, I have a different condition on my left wrist. No lumps, but there is some shooting pain every time I try to twist my hand or lift something with considerable weight. I don’t like going to doctors so I’ve been ignoring the pain for days now until it finally took its toll when I got here in Davao City. The pain was becoming more unbearable. So I went to Davao Doctors’ Hospital’s new extension: East Asia Orthopedic & Rehabilitation Institute. Dr. Sam Peli checked my wrist and his first question was, “Do you have a baby?” I was kind of startled with the question. “Uhm, wala po”. After doing some bending tests on my hand and wrist, he said it was De Quervain’s Tenosynovitis. (Ano po yun Doc?) He went on saying that this kind of pain usually happens to women (mothers) at home. It’s “usually” caused by overload of domestic duties which then causes the inflammation of the tendons connected to the thumb. But then, the syndrome is really idiopathic. There’s really no known single cause. It’s not really isolated to “domestic duties”… my typing definitely had a lot to do with it.

I actually have a history of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on my right wrist 6-7 years ago and my hand was immobilized for weeks. The doctor had to put my wrist in a metal brace. And I think my left wrist is going to need the same brace too to keep it immobilized and away from more trauma and stress for the meantime.

The doctor had to give me a steroid injection on my left wrist and gosh it was painful even with the local anesthesia. What was even more painful was the 2500 pesos that I had to charge on my credit card since I didn’t have cash on me. And then I was prescribed with Dolcet – medicine for post surgical pain. Another “ouch” to my wallet! :-(

The doctor said the pain and inflammation SHOULD be gone in a matter of days. If symptoms persist, the next option would have to be surgery. With lots of scripts due in the next weeks plus going full force on the Commemorative Book for CCBC, and some major blogging to do on the side, typing with one hand will surely be CHALLENGING!!! Sigh! So please keep me in your prayers…

Womb Envy

"Just being a woman is God's gift. The origin of a child is a mother, a woman. She shows a man what sharing, caring, and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman." And because of that, Sushmita Sen was crowned Miss Universe 1994.

Believe me when I say that this famous quote and yes that legendary Miss Universe question –What is the essence of being a woman? – have sparked catfights in salons (and wherever) for the past fourteen years. Basically, the debates usually revolve around the Truth and “political correctness” of the idea that Womanhood = Motherhood and vice versa.

For women like me who are fertility-challenged, I don’t really know what to feel about it.

The other day, I just got back from my ob-gyn and based on my latest hormone lab values, she is prescribing that I get FSH shots to grow my eggs to begin the first phase of my fertility work-up treatment. One shot alone costs a little something like two thousand pesos. The first set of shots would require me to get about five. Do the math that means on our first phase alone, we’re already investing ten thousand pesos. It’s that a lot of money but no positive results guaranteed. I don’t know about you but that’s already major cash for Joseph and I, especially since I’m just a freelance writer and money doesn’t come to me as regularly like most employed people have it.

Just last weekend, our good friend Anne and Junn welcomed their firstborn Himig. Another couple in our church circle Bebbet and Merv are also expecting their little Elisha sometime next year. Even my 40 year old condominium tenant got pregnant too! My golly, even that controversial Thomas Beatie is already expecting his/her (I don’t know what to use exactly) second child. Of course I know that case is totally bizarre. Anyway, my point is everybody’s getting pregnant except me. I think about Kean and knowing my years with my “borrowed” son are running out pinches my heart even more.

I never thought I would come to this place but I think I have officially arrived. I think I’m having some womb envy – in a “literal” way. The real “womb envy” according to Psychology is actually the equivalent of penis envy. Basically womb envy is supposed to be the unexpressed anxiety felt by some MEN over women's ability to give birth, leading them to dominate women or driving them to succeed in order for their names to live on. I on the other hand am having womb envy in a LITERAL way. I envy the wombs of these women!

On my way home, I asked myself a machine-gun of questions: Why do I want a baby in the first place? Why do women want to have babies? Is having a baby the only way for our family to be complete? Do I want this now because I feel pressured? Do I want this because my in-laws expect this from me? Do I want this because society expects this from me? Do I want this so that Joseph will be happy? Do I want this to keep Joseph?

Honestly, for now I can't seem to come up with a solid answer. I mean, I know that NOT having a baby is NOT the end of the world, and most definitely NOT the end of my marriage (crossing my fingers, hehe) but no amount of logic and practicality can ease this longing for our own child. They say it's a maternal instinct. God made women this way... But God also made me THIS WAY... Sigh...

Thinking about the financial burden that we will have to endure if we continue in our journey is just one thing. I have heard of stories of couples trying to conceive for many years with assisted reproductive technology but still with no luck. Imagine the emotional stress… the discouragement… given all those dismal scenarios, it wouldn’t be surprising if the couples’ enthusiasm for procreation would also go downhill.

My only prayer now really is for God to give me the heart of acceptance – to accept WHATEVER He’s going to answer. I told Him, this project is in His hands now. If he wanted us to pursue this then HE would provide all the moolah that we would need. So far, God has been generously providing and I take that as a “yes” answer. My writing projects have been streaming in well enough to cover our daily needs and this “baby” project for now. What happens next in 2009 is all in our Heavenly Father’s hands. I just wonder though that there’s a bit of an irony here. True that my work finances our baby-making mission but with all the stress that inevitably comes with it, like an unwanted appendage, wouldn’t it just downplay the efficacy of my fertility shots? The one thing that’s supposed to make it roll is also the same thing that could kill it.

Well… it’s really all up to you Lord… fill my womb with your blessing… but most of all take away my envy and fill my heart with your love.

“And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God.” – DEUTERONOMY 28:2

Comfort in my Strangeness

My husband and I have officially started our oplan:buntis project and the “new” initial diagnosis for my reproductive condition was PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I’ve done my homework on this topic. I have scoured the internet for case studies, scientific references, etc… Surprisingly, this week alone I learned that I actually have three friends who have the same syndrome. Now just when you think I’d feel much better because I would have some fellow fertility-challenged females to share this with, I felt otherwise.

Suddenly, I am beginning to suspect that I may not just have PCOS. If it was THIS common that it could actually happen to three other women who are close to me, somehow I just CAN’T accept it.

Let me explain why I feel this way and maybe you can counsel me afterwards since I really do need some wisdom and encouragement right now…

You know all my life I have never felt COMMON. I have always felt ODD… always the different one in the crowd. Growing up (funny how I have never ever become comfortable with that term) I always felt that I didn’t belong because of my height. Somehow I knew that there must be a good reason why I was this short. As you can assess by now, this has been the root of all my deep-seeded angst.

So finally when I had the chance to seek medical answers to my bizarre condition I became obsessed. I started seeing my endocrinologist in 1996. I went through countless tests on my hormones… cortisol, estradiol, adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), luteinizing hormone (LH), prolactin, thyroid stimulating hormones, human growth hormones (HGH)… even karyotyping to check if I had chromosomal defects… I had sonograms in various methods, MRIs, X-rays…Take note that I just didn’t have these tests one time – they were done several times. I was practically like a guinea pig coming in and out of the genetics laboratory of the PGH and St. Luke’s Hospital and sometimes at Cardinal Santos.

Those years were so depressing and really made me more nuts. Imagine that I was undergoing all these check-ups ALONE here in Manila. I didn’t have my family by my side. I was so depressed that I had to see a psychiatrist. Not only were there a lot of really big MISDIAGNOSES from results like Infantile Uterus to Uterine Agenesis (the absence of the uterus itself), my doctors (I was referred to several other specialists) weren’t really able to come up with a conclusion as to why I was SHORT with all of these reproductive challenges. How do you think a girl would feel if she was told that she didn’t have a uterus at all? Then only to find out later on through another doctor that there is a uterus, however it’s just small. Did I deserve to go through that kind of trauma?

Last year, another OB-GYN told me that I had Primary Ovarian Failure then she already suggested taking the Egg Donor option. Then this time around it’s Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. You see now why I hate going to the doctors? They make me crazy with all of their medical GUESSES!

In short, I have never found the final answer to my question in the first place. So because I got so tired going to doctors, who never can’t seem to just tell me what kind of a freak of nature I am, I just got my pills prescription to regulate my menstrual cycle and went on for several years not visiting anyone of them. All I wanted to know was WHY… I was willing to accept any syndrome or condition as long as it’s textbook. Is it Cushing’s Syndrome? One of those Thyroid syndromes? Heck, at that time I was even telling God, why didn’t He just give me Down’s Syndrome so it would be downright OBVIOUS. I was that DESPERATE and totally out of my wits.

It was so hard to go on living not knowing what was wrong with me while people kept on staring and asking me the same question that I also have in my head. Whenever people asked me about my diminutive stature, I always wished that I could give them a NAME for my condition but unfortunately my symptoms didn’t fall under any medical textbook category. It was tough to be different… to be mocked at… to be talked about… to be stared at… Not knowing what to do with my oddity, I decided to take COMFORT in my STRANGENESS. All these years I have used it as a weapon… and ironically as a “security blanket”. I was set on living my life DIFFERENTLY. Hence, the thought of getting married, raising a family, and all those suburban stereotypes didn’t occur to me until I finally got hitched. I felt so weird about myself that I honestly didn’t expect someone would actually fall in love with me and would be able to love me JUST THE WAY I AM!

That’s why now I’m trudging back to the place that I hate most – hospital laboratories! Ugh! But I have to because I want to give my husband a baby. Even if he tells me that it doesn’t necessarily complete our family, I want to do this for him, if not for myself.

Now back to my new diagnosis which is PCOS. Like I said earlier I feel weird that for the first time ever I am but one among many others. After how many years of having an “undefined” condition, I am suddenly a common case?!? Really now. I absolutely don’t know how to feel about it. I feel so uncomfortable with the thought that solutions and answers are actually right there for the picking. From being told that conceiving would be impossible (circa late 90s) to having the option of taking fertility treatments. Whatever happened to the “UNIQUE” me? Is this true? Now do you see why these are all too bizarre for me?

All these years I was already comfortable in my strangeness; that nobody else had this condition but me. I already owned it. I just can’t be like everybody else now. They all looked normal and had normal lives in the first place before they found out about their condition. So saying that I have the same condition and yet I had a far more torturous experience compared to them is simply unacceptable for me at the moment. You know what I mean? If we have the same reproductive condition then Lord why did you have to make me physically different? You know these three other girls who also have PCOS, they’re all tall good-looking girls who I’m pretty sure didn’t get to be the butt of jokes ever.

As I am writing this piece, I can’t help but shed tears of ambivalence… On one hand I feel happy that for the first time I ACTUALLY HAVE A COMMON DYSFUNCTION which makes me feel NORMAL or GENERIC -- the one thing that I have always wanted to be. I have always wanted to be among the crowd. Nothing odd. Nothing to pique the interest of people. And yet on the other hand I feel ANXIOUS that now that I am a COMMON CASE, then there would be MORE EXPECTATIONS – from other people and worse from myself.

Aaagghh!!! I’m really going ballistic over this. It’s ironically funny how I have learned to feel more normal being abnormal. Call me crazy. Sigh… tell me what you think…

Our Quest to Conceive

I’m riding the healthy horse these days after that kidney stones scare I had last week. That incident certainly put me on a red alert about my health. One thing led to another. Now my husband and I are about to embark on our quest to conceive.

I’ve been battling with an undefined hormonal imbalance for as long as I can remember. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with my endocrinologist since 1996. I’ve been a lab rat far too many times and after all these years they (the doctors) were never really able to give me a definite diagnosis and prognosis. Although they already told me before that conceiving might be a CHALLENGE if not impossible at all, this didn’t really occur to me up until recently when I finally got hitched. I was told about this “fertility challenge” nonchalantly at that time in my early twenties when marriage and building a family were far-fetched fantasies that I didn’t have any intention on wishing them true.

Last year before we got engaged, I went to see an OB-GYN who specializes in Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility at the very posh Medical City. Her diagnosis was Primary Ovarian Failure, and she already suggested the egg donor option. I didn’t know how else to react but to be dismayed. So the first noble thing I thought that I was supposed to do was to break-up with Joseph. I knew he wanted a baby so I felt that this “challenge” would be the last thing he would want in our relationship. Ironically, that news actually expedited our engagement instead. Joseph told me that he was not going to marry me to have children. He wanted to marry me because he LOVES ME JUST THE WAY I AM. He even added that if it’s just going to be the two of us then it shall be that way.

I fell in love with him more because of that. But of course, we believe in God’s many miraculous ways so there’s no harm in trying, right? We didn’t see that doctor at Medical City any more and instead went to another one at St. Luke’s. This time around, she was referred to us by one of our church mates. Going to a Christian doctor proved to be very different compared to one who’s “just” a doctor. They specialize in the same field but this time around, I felt the compassion. All these years, I’ve never felt taken care of by my doctors. This time, I immediately felt the different aura that Dr. Jing exuded. I felt safe. She made me have another round of tests again and this time the initial finding was Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Usually the first line of work-up that needs to be done in this condition is ovarian stimulation. The thought of a long hormone therapy really makes me anxious. There are a lot of factors to consider… my age… my health in general… the costs of these hormone treatments… the side effects…. Trying to conceive is emotionally stressful as it is but STRESS should be the last thing that I should be having right now.

We are still not sure how soon I would respond to the treatments, or if I would ever respond at all. Right now, Joseph is with me all the way in ensuring that I am HEALTHY. He’s watching my diet; encouraging me to keep fit; and just cheering me on. It’s going to be a long grueling journey and we are asking all our dear friends to join us in prayer. Although we pray for a baby but more than that, we are really praying for God’s will and for His grace to shine upon us… that we may have gracious hearts to accept whatever He has in store for us.

And the Healthy Lifestyle Begins...

Aaah… nothing beats complete REST. After getting sick last week, the road to recovery had me recharged not only physically but I also felt redeemed spiritually. In times of sickness, we are forced to see our mortality through the microscope and we realize that indeed ANYTIME God can just take our “borrowed” life away from us. Everyday is really a DAY TO REJOICE FOR! Thank you Lord for this Life!

My previous bad habits and unhealthy lifestyle have certainly caught up with me and I can’t begin to describe the REGRET. Why did I ever smoke? Why did I ever eat all those junk food? Why did I push my body clock to all those sleepless nights at work? Why was I so lazy to work-out? Why was I so undisciplined to stick to a healthy diet?

Why? … Because I guess if it ain’t broken, why fix it? Hehe. Really stupid. Now I’m fast becoming a wreck at 30.

Thanks to very strong meds, my kidneys are clear so far. The inflammation is gone. Urinary tract is okay. I’ve been drinking Cranberry juice like a fish for the past week. I’ve been eating healthier. More salads… less fatty and salty food. No more French Onion potato chips and Lapids chicharon, awww… MORE MILK! LOTSA LIQUIDS! Water, water and more water! After my health ordeal last week, I told my husband that I am having a paradigm shift. This time, I’m really gonna be serious about getting fit!

I hated diets before because I felt they were so depriving. I love food. I enjoy them. I celebrate them with all of my senses. If some people eat to live, I on the other hand “Live to Eat!” Nothing beats the explosion of rich flavors in my mouth. I am always after the story behind a dish; its history or simply how it found itself from the kitchen to the table. Then there’s the equally delicious conversations shared over food. I don’t think you would be able to enjoy all that if you’re stuck to a no-carbs diet.

I actually have “gym-phobia”. Ugh, I hate going to the gym. I have always felt that it was the daytime version of a Makati bar or club. There’s something pretentious about it; something clique-ish; something that’s screaming at me that I don’t belong there. Forgive me but that’s really how I feel about gyms in general. Honestly, I rarely see overweight people in gyms. They’re like 1 in 10 people. And the other 9 are usually the ones who don’t need to go to the gym anymore. It’s almost like those people who are already SUPPOSED TO BE beautiful but who still line up to have their lips or noses “re-designed” by Belo. I think it’s all vanity. That’s JUST my personal opinion. Anyway, I just don’t really like gyms. The equipments intimidate me and I feel that MOST (I’m not saying ALL) people there just treat it as another social thing. Plus, the idea of being on a treadmill for an hour just bores me.

I prefer to sweat it out thru dancing or sports. Basically because I think they’re more fun. Enough said. Unfortunately, I don’t do a lot of dancing anymore these days. I have long retired from doing HipHop and street dancing and jazz. And the only sport that I am I comfortable and confident enough to play is badminton, and I would need a partner for that. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t play badminton because he said his eyes lack depth perception. All my previous badminton partners are MIA so right now that leaves me with just the option of doing those usual aerobic routines inside the confines of my bedroom. Now where are those Jane Fonda videos?