Womb Envy

"Just being a woman is God's gift. The origin of a child is a mother, a woman. She shows a man what sharing, caring, and loving is all about. That is the essence of a woman." And because of that, Sushmita Sen was crowned Miss Universe 1994.

Believe me when I say that this famous quote and yes that legendary Miss Universe question –What is the essence of being a woman? – have sparked catfights in salons (and wherever) for the past fourteen years. Basically, the debates usually revolve around the Truth and “political correctness” of the idea that Womanhood = Motherhood and vice versa.

For women like me who are fertility-challenged, I don’t really know what to feel about it.

The other day, I just got back from my ob-gyn and based on my latest hormone lab values, she is prescribing that I get FSH shots to grow my eggs to begin the first phase of my fertility work-up treatment. One shot alone costs a little something like two thousand pesos. The first set of shots would require me to get about five. Do the math that means on our first phase alone, we’re already investing ten thousand pesos. It’s that a lot of money but no positive results guaranteed. I don’t know about you but that’s already major cash for Joseph and I, especially since I’m just a freelance writer and money doesn’t come to me as regularly like most employed people have it.

Just last weekend, our good friend Anne and Junn welcomed their firstborn Himig. Another couple in our church circle Bebbet and Merv are also expecting their little Elisha sometime next year. Even my 40 year old condominium tenant got pregnant too! My golly, even that controversial Thomas Beatie is already expecting his/her (I don’t know what to use exactly) second child. Of course I know that case is totally bizarre. Anyway, my point is everybody’s getting pregnant except me. I think about Kean and knowing my years with my “borrowed” son are running out pinches my heart even more.

I never thought I would come to this place but I think I have officially arrived. I think I’m having some womb envy – in a “literal” way. The real “womb envy” according to Psychology is actually the equivalent of penis envy. Basically womb envy is supposed to be the unexpressed anxiety felt by some MEN over women's ability to give birth, leading them to dominate women or driving them to succeed in order for their names to live on. I on the other hand am having womb envy in a LITERAL way. I envy the wombs of these women!

On my way home, I asked myself a machine-gun of questions: Why do I want a baby in the first place? Why do women want to have babies? Is having a baby the only way for our family to be complete? Do I want this now because I feel pressured? Do I want this because my in-laws expect this from me? Do I want this because society expects this from me? Do I want this so that Joseph will be happy? Do I want this to keep Joseph?

Honestly, for now I can't seem to come up with a solid answer. I mean, I know that NOT having a baby is NOT the end of the world, and most definitely NOT the end of my marriage (crossing my fingers, hehe) but no amount of logic and practicality can ease this longing for our own child. They say it's a maternal instinct. God made women this way... But God also made me THIS WAY... Sigh...

Thinking about the financial burden that we will have to endure if we continue in our journey is just one thing. I have heard of stories of couples trying to conceive for many years with assisted reproductive technology but still with no luck. Imagine the emotional stress… the discouragement… given all those dismal scenarios, it wouldn’t be surprising if the couples’ enthusiasm for procreation would also go downhill.

My only prayer now really is for God to give me the heart of acceptance – to accept WHATEVER He’s going to answer. I told Him, this project is in His hands now. If he wanted us to pursue this then HE would provide all the moolah that we would need. So far, God has been generously providing and I take that as a “yes” answer. My writing projects have been streaming in well enough to cover our daily needs and this “baby” project for now. What happens next in 2009 is all in our Heavenly Father’s hands. I just wonder though that there’s a bit of an irony here. True that my work finances our baby-making mission but with all the stress that inevitably comes with it, like an unwanted appendage, wouldn’t it just downplay the efficacy of my fertility shots? The one thing that’s supposed to make it roll is also the same thing that could kill it.

Well… it’s really all up to you Lord… fill my womb with your blessing… but most of all take away my envy and fill my heart with your love.

“And all these blessings shall come upon you and overtake you, because you obey the voice of the Lord your God.” – DEUTERONOMY 28:2